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Dear Santa (for grown-ups)

December 25, 2012

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the

reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I

would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for

Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all

fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the

time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to

get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you

something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you

I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to

granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this

joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at

my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit

trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,

need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it

a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action,

well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been

on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be

more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I

alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social

skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the

bottom of a burger fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was

attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends

into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys

and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console,

my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on

one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees

you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar,

genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got you

down, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people

that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll

all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you

asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to sort out your attitude. 

Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That’s what I thought sunshine.

Santa

 

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